Moving on

Moving on from the awful things that had happened. This was my way to focus my mind on moving forward, how I could do it, what I was aiming for. Collage, gel pens, quotes.

Hate

This was me pouring out how I felt about the people who had done some awful things to me. Hate may not be a popular word to use but, it is how I felt and I needed to express it. The use of images fit in well too and made me feel better too.

Who are you?

This page was done at a time when I felt I needed to take a good look at myself.  The central page reflects me - a Leo. The rest were mostly me questioning myself, the kind of person I was / am. It was hard to do and hard to look back at. It is also crowded. close and detailed, usually a sign in me that I am finding something hard or, unhappy about something.

What I feel about them

This page is about how I felt about the people who had done awful things to me. It was honest, difficult to express but, got it out of me. Tissue paper, magazine pieces, words from books and magazines.

What they did to me

Some people had done some pretty awful things to me and I really needed to express it. As I'm not much good at writing about my own feelings, I expressed it in a more visual way. Torn tissue paper, magazine pieces, words from books, magazines etc.

A family of characters

Again, inspired by Stampotique. I didn't have much to say via the written word but, felt that I wanted to be doing something. I wanted to make a 'family' of my characters. Haven't done parents, don't think I will do. I like these characters and think I will use them in the future quite a lot.

42

Ok, anyone who knows Douglas Adams knows about 42. This is about choosing a number, word, expression, something that has some importance to you. It can be hard to find the initial start point but, once you do, it speaks off into other directions. It can be a certain phrase you use a lot eg, This is true, every man for himself, Everybody Lies (Dr. House). Then, use it to stimulate other thoughts about how it fits into your life.

Hidden message

I wanted to try to put a hidden message in a piece. There are hidden words, sentences, messages throughout this page. Most are hidden behind the 'wings' of the dragonfly but, there are others as well. I liked this, it's like having your own secret code. You know where things are, nobody else does.

I wish....

This one was really difficult to do.
I wish........ Things I wish for. Some of them were what you might expect, no more sadness, love, that kind of thing but, then there's total honesty. However shallow or, bad it might appear to be to anyone else, this is for YOU remember. Mine was 'I wish I was beautiful'. Shallow it might seem to some but, to me it's a wish I have always harboured and kept secret because I felt it would be viewed as shallow. Hard to do but, cathartic.

What I know to be true

A list of things I know to be true.
This is fun to do. It also allows you to express how YOU see the world, what YOU know to be true, it doesn't matter if the rest of the world agrees. If you KNOW it to be true that yellow jelly-babies are the worst thing ever to be invented then, it goes down here, It doesn't matter how daft, strong, silly, angry, upsetting it is. This is YOUR list of things you KNOW to be true. Nobody in the world might agree with you but, that does not matter. This is your list. As always, I wanted it to look nice so, done in an arty fashion. It ca be simply a list but, that's not me!

Hope

I was feeling a little better when I did this page. I felt more positive and that I had hope ahead of me and wanted to show how that felt. Things weren't all good, as shown by the raindrops but, the hope kept them off me. I was getting used to using my self-portrait more and more and I was more comfortable with it.

What now?

During the time I did this, there was a huge amount of uncertainty in my life so, I spent a lot of time questioning, with no answers available. There was very much a waiting game which I found extremely difficult and expressed repeatedly. This was a collage, gel pens for written words, cuttings from magazines etc. It shows that I really didn't know what to do, where to go, what to do. It's OK to be unsure - but, for me, it was so unfamiliar, usually being someone who insists on being in control for the majority of the time.

Uncertainty

Using my self-portrait, i wanted to express how I was feeling about where I was at that time, and how uncertain I was of the future. I'm not that good at writing in prose so, using pictures to express how I am feeling is so much better for me.
This feels very 'tight' and wound up when I look at it, exactly how I felt at the time. I do like it though, it draws me back to look at it lots.

Insecurity

This one, although appearing to be cheerful was mostly about some of my insecurities - why do people love me? Or, do they? There were little messages written to my husband and son and glued in-between the open hearts.
I found this one hard as I like to cover a page so, open, uncoloured or unpainted bits were hard for me to deal with! This is a page I think I will be drawn back to to modify over time.

Stuck for a subject?

If you're stuck for something to write about, a good source of inspiration is a random image. I found this one of a woman with very obvious teardrops. I wanted to incorporate it into an arty page too. So, I started with the image and imagined a story around it. I called it Veronica, and only planned to write one page around it but, ended up doing a part 2, there may well be a part 3, 4, 5........ who knows? It ended up, in some ways being autobiographical but, had enough of a distance for me to be able to let things out without becoming upset or angry.

Book Review

This might seem an odd thing to put into a Journal but, I felt that I had nothing to say but, wanted to do soemthing. I needed a focus. So, I decided to write about my favourite book. This was difficult as I have 4 but, I wrote about them all, why they were important, how they made me feel, and I did a couple of small pictures to illustrate them. This turned out to be really enjoyable and made me want to go out and read them all all over again! Journal pages don't always have to be angst ridden or, joy-laden. They can simply just say things about you! The purple background was, well, because I love purple and the gel pens - do I really need to say it?

This is me

This was a REALLY, really difficult page to complete and I had to get help to do it. I drew a full sized self-portrait - it doesn't have to be. I then coloured around it in coloured pencils. Then, I wanted to write words that describe me - the real me. I did all of mine then asked my husband to offer a few. My husband and son had a whale of a time, and asked me to read my words out. Mine were mostly negative - theirs were positive. I hadn't realised this, I just felt that I was being honest about myself but, acknowledging your positives is as important as facing the negatives.

Self-portrait

EEEk, one of the most scary things to do but, also one of the most useful ones. I HATE photos of mysef. I HATE looking in a mirror so, trying to draw something that looks exactly like me fills me with horror. However, after years of doodling, drawing and looking at images, the Stampotique stamps inspired a style in me that I really, really liked. I therefore tried a self-portrait in that kind of style. Remarkably, it looks somewhat like me or, at least I feel it does, and in a way that I am happy with.
GEL PEN - again. I think one of the reasons that I like gel pen is that if you make a mistake, you have to live with it or, incorporate it into your drawing. It stops that obsession with perfection that people tend to have with drawing and allows more focus on the overall picture.

Road Block

This started with me just testing out a load of new stamps that I had received, wanting to see how they looked. When I'd done, I realised I'd not done them in any kind of pattern, not made them look attractive but, I wanted to do something with them. I was feeling at that time as though every road I took to anything was blocked, like I could not find a way out. The finished version reflected this labyrinthine feel of my life.

Colourful Zentangle

A colourful zentangle. I wanted to fiddle with the use of colour in this. I was feeling positive when doing this so, again, expansive, open pictures, with my signatures there too, eyes, dragonflies............. GEL PENS!!!!!!

Stampotique inspiration

I found these stamps from Stampotique that I LOVED but, were too expensive to buy at that time. I found some images of their stamps, cut them out and used them for inspiration for my own characters. They seem to have inspired my own style of characters now, sometimes it happens like that, by accident, finding that style that suits you. For you it might be manga, old-style - who knows? This was simply an idea gathering exercise, however, it set me up for months following. So, a seemingly purposeless activity can provide purpose for the future.

Feeling Blue?

I had dried up doing the black and white Zentangles, wanted to do a different colour. Having a 'thing' about blue, this seemed a good choice. I was fiddling with doing characters with my doodles so, did the person in the middle. There are also other signature things in there, the water droplets, stars, dragonflies. This started as a doodle but, ended up reflecting how I was feeling at that time whilst keeping close those things that represent me.

Split personality

This page expressed how difficult I find operating in general life to be sometimes. You often have to be 2 different people (or more than 2!). At work you may have to be professional and forthright, at home you might be relaxed and laid back. It can sometimes be hard to be those two people, and turning off one to become the other can be a challenge. This collage shows how 2 aspects of myself can make me feel. Colour is always important to me so, the 2 areas of colour show the 2 aspects of myself.

Open Zentanglextension

This one was done whilst I was feeling more open and expansive than usual, hence the doodles around the edges are larger, more open and less detailed. I tend to become 'smaller' and more detailed when I get more negative or, lacking in confidence. Again, central picture, aspects of it to inspire the doodles, done in gel pen.

Zentanglextension

Well, another doodle day here, central picture from an old diary, aspects of it used to extend it around in gel pen. There will be things that come to identify my doodles, hearts, eyes, water droplets amongst others. That's good! It's YOU!

Hatred

Ok, I was REALLY angry and down when I did this collage. The printed age is from an ancient Thesaurus from a charity shop, all about hatred. The cuttings are from a book of headlines (again from a charity shop) - all about people dying, murderers etc. I just piled them all in there, squeezed them in, vented my anger onto that page. It got it out for me in a constructive way rather than shouting and bellowing and screeching.

Ganesh Zentangle

This one is really just a doodle page. I had nothing to say verbally but, wanted to do something to express myself so, did this. The central picture was cut from an old diary and I extended and continued it using gel pens. I try to use aspects of the central image to doodle around the edges so it sits comfortably in there.

Focal point

The purpose of this page was to focus on one thing where there seems to be nothing worth focussing on. This might seem nonsensical but, have you ever had times where day-in, day-out, every day feels the same from start to end, same, same, same. You sometimes need to step back and find one little thing to focus on that will pick out aspects of the day-to-day monotony and make life seem more interesting. This is a simple way to do it. Choose one shape, choose your favourite colour. Mine is usually purple but, I have a kind of thing about teal blue these days. One circle will be in this colour, the rest on differing shades of a contracting or complementary colour. This shows that amongst 'sameness' you can still stand out in some way. Felt pens used for this one!

Focus on the positive

At the time I did this, things were quite hard in my life, and I can tend towards focussing on the negative. Here I wanted to focus on the positive - my husband, our relationship. They are our hands in the photo, and photos of my husband on the RHS. I found a quote that fit well so, incorporated that into the page. This page, when I look at it sometimes feels quite bare but, the more I look at it, the more peaceful it looks rather than bare.

Hidden

A mixed media piece, tissue paper, acrylic paint, gel pen, jigsaw pieces.
I had spotted the jigsaw at a local charity shop and loved the 'old' appearance of it. Everything was designed around the sepia tones, hoping for it to look, in completion, as if it all fit together in an aged theme. The writing on this is done with 'tonal' gel pens. I admit it, I have somewhat of an obsession - ASDA do a set of 36 for £3! Fantastic! Anyways, back to the journal page. This is more of a 'diary' page than some of the previous pages, but each paragraph is in a different pen, in a different orientation, all separate, all dealing with different parts of my day or, how I felt about certain aspects of my life.

The way they are / the way I am

This page started off with me painting huge partial letters in a tone on tone with the background. I had an ancient Thesaurus that I'd found in a charity shop for about 50p. I was very angry and feeling vengeful at the time I was doing this so, picked out 2 sets of statements from the Thesaurus, ones about how 'THEY' were making me feel - and one about how I was feeling or, what I could do.
They were arranged in different orientations so that I knew which was which, overlying each other, individually, however felt right at the time. This feels oddly peaceful for such a potentially angry piece of work.

Me as a tree

I will admit to being very disappointed with this one. I wanted it to reflect more of ME than it does. This goes to show you can have ideas but, they don't necessarily work for you. The idea of this was to express yourself as a tree, roots being those things that ground you, the trunk, you and the branches, what you are reaching for. It's OK, but I'm sure it could be way better. This is something I think I will return to in time and alter, improve, correct. This is something not to be scared of, going back and 'doing over' pages you have already completed. Truth is, if you're not happy with it, it's not completed, it's awaiting completion. I would say not to remove any pages from your journal that you're unhappy with, just leave it to be completed at a later stage.

Fringed face

In this one, I had wanted to do something that made me feel happy, uplifted. My favourite colour is purple so, I wanted to concentrate on that as an overall theme. When I was working on this, I knew how I WANTED it to look but, it turned out very differently. Menacing - this reflected how my life felt at that time. The face is done with - you guessed, gel pens, the rest with torn magazine paper in purple hues.

Fractured Faces

This was a mixed media piece, tissue paper, acrylic paints, needle and thread and gel pen. I had been feeling vulnerable, there were lots of things looming over me, all dark and scary. It seemed to sum up how I was feeling particularly well.

A Zentanglexpansion

My version of a Zentangle, a doodle. I like to start with a central image sometimes. This is one of the first ones I did. I like to choose elements from the central image and use it in the doodles around it. Again, I use gel pens to do the doodling.

Front Page

I feel it is important to have a front page to any Journal, be it an Art Journal, a written one or, a 'scrapbook' journal. To me, it sets a scene, tells you that this is yours. It can be altered, updated and changed as you see fit as time goes on. This was my initial front page, a bit 'raw' but, I think it fits me well. All done in Gel pen. You will see that I LOVE gel pens!